Sapristi!

I finally struck comedic gold. As all zero of my readers can tell you, I've never been more than a mildly funny guy writing sparsely about comics. Until now.

I have found a nifty tool called Lost in Translation. Its whole point is translating and back-translating a line TEN TIMES through Babel Fish. The result is incomprehensible. But goddamn funny (pun intended, you'll see). Especially when applied to something that ALREADY is pretty f'in funny. Yes, I'm talking about All-Star Goddamn Batman.

So I took these two panels, which set up the best line of the series so far (followed closely by "Jerk off, sperm bank -- which translates as "The function, battery excludes the clear one from the sperm batteries." SPERM BATTERIES!) and grinded them through the translator. So, if you wish, I invite you to follow me into the wild world of translation.



This tool, folks, takes Sin City with a cape-like dialogue and twists it to Shakespearean grandeurs. "Exactly if this idiot does know, can fly". This is only a set-up for what comes next, thought, as nothing can withstand the wrath of Babel Fish. Not even the word "Batmobile", which, I think is pretty much untranslatable. With a simple click of the mouse, the Batmobile becomes the "Battery-he-part of furniture". Jack Kirby on crack couldn't come up with a better name for Batman's vehicle.


Now this almost warrants a redesign of Church's wallpaper. Batman commands you people to stop this "examination of him" that evaluates the "sapristi extreme of the his" and to stop calling his "chied-part of furniture (read: batmobile)" an automatic rifle. Okay, man. If you say so. It must be the sex with Black Canary that wrecked his brains. But wait. It comes. The one line that can shatter the Internet in half. For real. "I am BATMAN sapristi and I can my auto sapristi with that designate, which HELL I REQUIRE!".

Someone please call Frank Miller and show that to him. Because I would give anything... ANYTHING to see the next issue of ASGDB written in Babelized dialogue. And if they don't want to, then at least replace all the goddamns by sapristis. Because Batman is never badass enough if he doesn't speak like Batroc ze lepair.

Post-Scriptum: Did you notice that most of the time, the lines end up talking about batteries or furniture? Weird.

Inflation, Shminflation

I am a management student. Therefore, I can understand social issues like inflation. From 1950 to 2000, inflation has stayed between 0 and 10% annually. This is a fact. Look it up on wikipedia. And these are perfectly normal numbers.

But not in the DC Universe. The following comes from Batman and the Outsiders #5, from 1983. This is from the original.



For those who can't bother clicking: "Are YOU in luck! For only 75¢, you have a ringside seat for the deaths of Batman and the Outsiders AND The New Teen Titans... Now is that a BARGAIN or what?" If I were a kid purchasing a comic at that time, I would definitely believe that I was in luck. This is a perfectly reasonable price for the deaths of 14 characters. This is a little bit over 5¢ per character, or, if you would like to break it down differently, 75¢ for the death of Batman and 13 bonus free deaths.

Now, here's what happens in the new Showcase Presents : Batman and the Outsiders.



Again, for you lazy asses: "Are YOU in luck! For only $16.99, you have a ringside seat for the deaths of Batman and the outsiders AND The New Teen Titans... Now is that a BARGAIN or what?" Frankly? No, it isn't. Notwithstanding the fact that your smart-ass editor decided to deliberately change a classic, there are FIFTEEN issues after this one in the collection. A kid could make the math in his head by noticing that his right hand holds much more paper than his left hand, and that if there is still that many paper in his right hand, then surely Batman won't die. And $16.99 for a reprint of Batman + 13 other people's deaths is a bit pricey, if you ask me. And if they think the readers are stupid enough to call them up and complain that, contrary to what they've read, they have paid much more than ¢75 for the complete volume, then why don't they change the prices on each original cover so that they make equal parts of $16.99? Hey, it's gotta be adapted, or else no one's going to understand!

Phew. Okay, now, back to the subject at hand. If a comic that cost 75¢ in 1983 now costs $2.99, that makes about 300% inflation since 1983. Wow, pretty crazy huh? Now consider the mighty wonders of the DC Universe economics. A comic that cost 75¢ in 1983 costs $16.99 right now. That makes about 1700% inflation.

No wonder the people of Gotham City are so poor (it was really the point I was trying to make all along).

Concerning the Vampire Hunter D novels

I have recently finished reading Vampire Hunter D : The Stuff of Dreams, the fifth in a series of (so far) eight english books, of a total of seveteen in japanese.

And everytime I decide to read one of those, I have to kick myself in the butt to do so. Why? Shouldn'reading about the half-human, half-vampire (or dhampir) son of Dracula that has a talking left hand and that battles monsters on the Frontier be the best thing ever? In theory, yes. In practice, not so much.

I have read five Vampire Hunter D novels. And not one single time have I understood the resolution of the story. Not ONE single time. In five books. I am ready to acknowledge that I might be stupid, but after more than 1000 pages, I really don't think it's my fault anymore. At least not entirely.

Each and everytime, I understand everything until the last 20 or so pages, where D does things that have no sense whatsoever, and leaves on his cyborg horse (Come on! Cyborg Horse! CYBORG!). And everytime I hope that it's going to be clear, that I'm going to understand, this time. Uh uh. Not this time, bro. And not the one after that either.

The real question here is: is it the author's fault or the translator's fault? Who knows? I don't speak japanese , so I have no way of knowing. Either one of them, or heck, maybe even both, get fed up within the last 20 pages and start rambling about ethereal essences and dark fates, and then I close the book with puzzled eyes and vow never to read one again.

Except I still have two more to read. And I can assure you that one of these days I'm gonna say to myself : "But what if THIS one is actually comprehensible?". And then you'll see another article like this one.

Bottom line, don't buy these books. Unless you have a very high functoning, MODOK-like brain. Then please buy them and e-mail me. Pretty please.

Pop quiz

Who cut this poor man's fingers?


Answer.

And now, a commercial break

The Ultimate Universe...

...the best place to go...

...if you want the greatest...

...and most memorable...

... meaningless crossovers that will have no lasting impact whatsoever on this Universe's already bloated continuity.

And, because I think it's kinda obligatory at this point: New content soon!!

The Best and Worst of the Week, drawn by me

Most people do a title-by-title review of the week to show what they have liked and what they have not. I have decided to to otherwise. Here is, in very, very badly drawn and badly lettered, the best and worst of the week!

BEST OF THE WEEK!*

* The WTF sound effect is © David Bedard, 2007


WORST OF THE WEEK!


aaand a little something extra, what I would like to call the Bendis-Suspension-Of-Disbelief Moment of the Week!



Obviously, Moon Knight wore a kevlar mask. Right.

What a pleasant surprise!

Last week in comics was dreadful at best. Yes, I know, World War Hulk came out, and it rocked. But as I read through my stack, I realized something. There is waayyyyy too much Iron Man in my Marvel Comics these days. Even though he's supposed to be dead (For once Bendis had a good idea). Either way, it inspired me to create this nifty (not) little image right there.



Not more than one week later, and it seems the gods are trying to persuade me out of atheism, because, wait for it:

I DIDN'T SEE IRON MAN ANYWHERE THIS WEEK!

Break out the flutes and confettis, people. It's time to PARTAYYY!

Patterns

Okay, so today I noticed something that I probably am not the first one to notice, but here goes nothing. We'll call it the Crisis Paradox, because I like to think of myself as a scientist of sorts.

So let's look at DC's different mega-events over the years, shall we? First, we had the different

Crises on Multiple Earths

Which were followed by probably the most well-known DC event, and maybe comics event of the last 30 years

Crisis on Infinite Earths

Which, almost 20 years later, was followed by a cascade of events inspired of it:

Identity Crisis,
Countdown to Infinite Crisis,
and Infinite Crisis

After which, DC had the great idea to start weekly series that would lead absolutely nowhere at all, except for much more money in DC's bank account:

52

And its newly-launched sequel

Countdown

Now, does anyone see a pattern here? I don't know, something with Countdown, Infinite and Crisis repeating itself over and over again? Would the so-called Infinite Crisis be just that, DC churning out Crises over and over again until the whole world has been shot into poverty?

Obviously, in 51 weeks, DC will launch a new crisis. The bet now, to test the Crisis Paradox, is to correctly guess the name of the new crisis. Here are my contenders, feel free to add your own.

Crisis on 52 Earths,
3, 2, 1... Crisis!,
and, my personal favorite: Open up this book to see which third-tier characters we've killed THIS time! Plus: One important character will also die to make this incomprehensible clusterfuck seem VERY important!

Aaaaand that's all for today. As usual, you get the promise of new blogging in the near future, if I finaly get around to actually scaning something. Check often!!!

Curse you, Peter David!

Meme time, courtesy of Chris Sims!



Actual content should resume soon... I hope!

Quick Update

Two things:

First of all, be on the lookout for I might start blogging again very soon, and I've managed to grab a few... interesting issues, to say the least.

And now, something very important that I felt I needed to say to the whole world. A few days ago, I dreamt that World War Hulk was happening in my backyard. Hulk started trashing everything so I ran to my car, where The Thing was sat, and I told him that he had to stop Hulk. But then Hulk noticed, pulled The Thing through the car window and threw him over to my neighbor's lawn. So I got out of the car, ran as fast as I could inside so that I could put on my Spider-Man costume, since I was, in fact, Spider-Man. So I got out and Wolverine started slashing at Hulk but Hulk threw him a mile away. Things started getting blurry but I survived, since, y'know, Spidey didn't conspire to throw Hulk in space.

I hope I'm gonna have more exciting dreams like this soon.

See y'all on the flipside.

Toldja

Last Sunday:

Shortly thereafter, Nick Fury showed up with the Ultimates (who keep popping up in other's stories while time stands still in their own world) and cleaned up everything, 'cause that's how it rolls in the Ultimate Universe.

And then, this afternoon:


See?

Reading Week Hijinks

Seeing how I am in my Reading Week and trying to spend as much time with my girlfriend as possible AND I don't have regular access to a scanner, updates may be sparse this week. But fear not, loyal readers (Yes, all zero of you!), for I have truly found something great amidst my three-week pull list that I picked up yesterday.

Behold, the truly most devastating head of hair this side of the four-colored world: Starfire!!



Now I'm no expert in all these hair-themed fields, but I'm pretty sure that, unless Starfire's been infected with Terrigen Mist, there's no way hair can defy gravity THAT way!



But wait, that's not all!



Here is significant evidence that Starfire might actually be an Alien Queen. You can't have hair shaped like that (see right) unless you're hiding a very unusual cranium.




That's it for tonight, I might actually try to read AND scan Spider-Man : Quality of Life #1 so that you can all enjoy its utter suckiness. Plus, time-traveling messages!

Y - - The Last Man Live Action Trailer

Just in time for Valentine's Day, here are... The Amazons!

How My Brain Works

Here is proof that my brain is poisoned by comic books.

Tonight, while walking back home, one girl and two guys got out of the bus before me. The girl was fairly hot and alone, and the two guys looked more or less like crooks. Potential crooks, anyway.

I wasn't thinking about how I miss my girlfriend while walking, or what I was going to do when I got home. No. I was thinking about how the fight would play out if the guys attacked the girl.

Of the two guys, one was wearing tight jeans and a tight leather jacket. He couldn't conceal a firearm, I thought. The other one was pretty big and had a baggy vest and baggy pants. So he would be the one I would have to neutralize first, since he could hide a gun.

Let's say either one of them attacks the girl. So I run at full speed, jump and hit the big guy in the back of the head with my forearm, Tony Jaa-style. I kick him in the body once he's down and immediately focus on the smaller guy. I yell "GO!! GO!!!" to the girl, so she can start running.

No, that doesn't work. If she runs, I can't get my reward.

I immediately get to work on the second guy, sweeping the leg and kicking him in the groin afterwards. He falls down and I smash his head on the sidewalk. But what if the other one gets up? I kick him in the nuts and run with the girl. We get to her home and do it hard, and I leave her panting on the floor to go finish my paper.

I really should stop reading comics.

Peek-a-Pooh Mania!!

In my part of the world, there is a new fad in town, especially for girls. This fad has taken the world by storm, making girls spend two bucks a piece for this:

Peek-a-Poohs

With this in mind, I have wondered time and time again at how I could make this my own. After all, the concept is great: take a 100-year old childern's animation icon and dress him up as animals, for all girls around the world to attach to their cell-phones, handbags, backpacks, nipple rings, etc.

But how could I? Well, today, I was struck by an absolute EUREKA moment. Thank-you notes go to Chris Sims and his crossword.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you:

Peek-A-Pooh : MODOK Edition

'Nuff said.

PPV Sunday: Spider-Man vs. Ultimate Spider-Man

So here we are. This is my second post and here I am, already trying to induce a new tradition.

Here's the deal: I liked Wizard only for their old match-up style double-page spreads. And now they don't do it anymore, they're wayyyy too busy talking about Micheal Turner(who is constantly a Top 10 Artist even though he only draws covers), Alex Ross and Bendis.

So I'm going to re-enact this grand tradition of the past and put my writing talents to the test. Behold: the much awaited 616 vs. Ultimate Universe crossover! (because no one cares about the Supreme Power Universe crossing over...)

Today's Match-Up!


VERSUS

While exiting the evil N-Zone prsion of Tony Stark, Spider-Man, whose girlfriend had assured that wearing black would make him invisible to other people (note: not true), accidentally hit the location dial of the warp gate with his elbow. Not noticing this horrible twist-of-fate, Spidey swung through the warp at full-speed, expecting to be with Mary Jane in a few minutes.

Exiting the warp, he felt different. This wasn't the same city. At the same time he thought this, he heard: "Stay there, clone!!". It was a copy of himself, although this Spider-Man seemed smaller and.. whinier. The younger Spidey swung both legs at a time in The Other's (pun intended) face. Black Spidey fell down and both engaged in a savage fight.

After a few minutes of webbing, kicking and joking, 616 Spidey had Ultimate Spider-Man knocked down and prepared to knock him out for good, but Ultimate Spidey blocked the punch, applying his forearm directly on 616's wrist.

"Noooo!!!!" said Black Spider-Man. The spike in his forearm came out and pierced a hole through Ultimate Spider-Man's skull.

Shortly thereafter, Nick Fury showed up with the Ultimates (who keep popping up in other's stories while time stands still in their own world) and cleaned up everything, 'cause that's how it rolls in the Ultimate Universe.

What have you learned from this story, kids? That's right: Spider-Man with spikes popping out of his forearms is overkill.

And if you're angry with me for killing a Spider-Man, well, just assume he was a clone. Or a doppelganger. Or Geldoff.

World Wars 3, 4 and 5... coming up this year from DC!

This is bad. I just opened up my blog, and already I'm ranting. I heard that this was what blogging was about. Let's do this then. Hopefully, this'll be one of the few times this happens.

Anyways, I opened up my good ol' Internet a few weeks ago, and this baby attacked me.

Okay, so this image accomplishes exactly what the annoucnement of World War 3 set out to do. Which is making me hate Dan Didio. Which in turn makes me hate pretty much everything he touches.

Knight Batman. Kingdom Fucking Come Robin. Superman crying, as always (or looking at Wonder Woman's cleavage from a very close perspective and wishing Lois had such incredible boobs). Corpses everywhere. The Statue of Liberty, broken with its head buried in the ground.

You know what that means, right? Right?

The DC universe is transforming into the Planet of the Apes. And Detective Chimp will be Doc Zayus. Woo-hoo!

God, so much hate already.

The thing is, I like monthlies. I like reading good arcs of Batman, Teen Titans and Robin. What I hate, is that I always have to buy three thousand issues of a big crossover to understand the next big shake-up that is going to happen in Batman. And this shake-up will inevitably come with a crap story, rotating teams and non-cohesiveness aplenty.

What is wrong with the super-hero genre, you ask me? Crossovers. Events.

I don't mind the occasional Crisis or Civil War once in a while, but when it comes to the point that, while Grant Morrison is being a genius on Batman, all of a sudden, Batman has a sword, and thinks he's Sinbad, something is obviously wrong with DC. So now you have to either spend a whole night on Wikipedia or buy a crossover and the hundred tie-ins (none of which is very tempting, mind you).

Okay, I'm mean with DC, but that's just because there still hasn't been a crossover announced from Marvel this year. The only thing hapenning is that, since there is a movie coming out in the real world about Spider-Man in a black costume, it's just a coincidence that the comic version of the character has this sudden urge to wear black once again. Apparently, wearing black makes everyone forget who Spider-Man is. That or Wanda Maximoff.

So there you have it. I guess I had to get those things off my shoulders before trying to translate the happy-go-lucky idiot I am in real life to the blogosphere.

See y'all on the flipside. Hopefully, there, Batman won't have a sword.